i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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