You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Welp...herpes.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
