"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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