thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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