I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
