Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
