Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
