I am in a vortex of obligation.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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