There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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