There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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