you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
