how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
