I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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