You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
sex in a hospital.. check
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
