he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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