i was born a porn star she said
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
