cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
