chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
