yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
