Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
