Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
