I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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