Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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