he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A bitchslap is in order.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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