i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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