Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
