I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
