I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
