If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
