Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
