Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
