dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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