Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
