Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I got inside last night via doggy door
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
