sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
