hell yes lets make some ravioli
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
