Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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