Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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