Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
