AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
