I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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