remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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