We're facebook friends in real life
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
