i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
