I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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