I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
