What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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