Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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