good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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