Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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