Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I believe in your delicious
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
