i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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